1 Year Anniversary

The anniversary of my induced miscarriage came and went last Thursday and though I cried a little bit that morning and just before dinner as we prayed, I was ok most of the day.  I thought of Olivia, wondered what would have been had she been on time and full-term.  What would our life be like?  It certainly would be much different than it has been, I know that much.  Instead of our infant daughter, we have a void, our hearts hurt.  But, we are ever thankful for our older girls, they were our blessings first, and still are.

Tearful

One year ago today, I had my appt. with Dr. Thomas in preparation for the induced miscarriage. (sniff, sniff tears rolling down my cheeks)  We discussed the procedures available to us, as well as the outcomes, and I had one last ultrasound to confirm the harsh reality.  He offered us the most kind and compassionate words, reassuring me that he would handle this with much care.

Thank you Dr. Thomas for being brave enough to help those of us who experience heartbreak when we lose our babies, and doing it in such a kind, caring way.  I only hope you might be able to instruct Dr. Dhami in your "gentler ways".  I assume you might have been a bit more careful than he was and that you would not have inflicted the same pain he did.

A Year Ago Yesterday

I had my ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  I entered the radiology office with my husband in anticipation.  Not only to find out the sex of our baby, but we were leaving for Disneyland right afterwards.  After getting unusual instructions that I needed to get to Dr. Griffin's office immediately, we left in complete confuion.  We left Dr. Griffin's office in anguish, engulfed in devastation.  What do we tell the girls?  Do we go to Disneyland or cancel our trip?

I cried last night.

10 Months and 12 days ago

It has been that long already.  How is it time flies so, so, so, fast?  I was actually talking to a co-worker today about our family trip to Disneyland last year and how I truly believe that helped me begin to process our loss and to cushion so to speak the initial blow.  I think that trip was good for my psyche, my family, and it enabled us to still live our lives, feel joy, have fun, despite our recent tragedy.

Say What?

My nephew turned to me in my mother-in-law's kitchen one day when we all got together and asked, "Did your baby die?" I thought I heard him wrong, so asked again and was shocked!  I thought I'd cry, but instead, I started laughing hysterically NOT because it was funny, but just so out of the blue.  My poor sister-in-law was mortified and kept apologizing to me.  I just kept laughing.  I think healing is going well.

Healing Wounds 10/14/2010

Fall is officially here, and I love cooking in the fall!  This has always been my favorite season since I was a kid.  I love Halloween, pumpkins, indian corn, fall foliage, and Thanksgiving-a lot!

So, over the last three weeks, I have been overwhelmed with the desire to learn to sew using a sewing machine, make pies (this happens every fall-I love pie!), jam, apple butter, and learn to do some canning.  It just hit me one day, has intensified almost daily since then, and I didn't know why until today.  Today happens to be the 3 month anniversary of my induced miscarriage.  Today, Aunt Judy's comment helped me figure it out.  I had posted my desires for creativity on Facebook and her comment was that creativity helps heal wounds.  I am wounded, I'm trying to heal.  It makes perfect sense now, and although I kind of knew it in the far recesses of my mind, I guess I never really acknowledged it.  I also read an article written by an OB/GYN who longed to have another child but was too busy to realistically get pregnant as she had a medical practice, books just published, a book tour, and speaking engagements.  She said that her new projects using her creativity was like her new baby, that she had to nurture and see through to the end.  As a result, she was at peace with not having another baby and she is now in her mid-40s so that plays a role as well.

I do want to be creative, I want to learn to do these things, and do them well.  But, that doesn't mean I'm done, I will have another baby.  Finding out we were pregnant again was a surprise to us, but we were ready to have three children in the house and we want it still.  Olivia is always with us wherever we go, she has made an impact on our family that will never cease, if someone asks, I tell them I have 3 girls, and I will always include her when I sign our names in a card. (this is important to me therefore, I mentioned it)  In the far recesses of my psyche, I had a feeling I would end up having four children.  May the next little person we are blessed with be strong, resiliant, and may we be able to raise this child.

I Will Never 9/8/2010

I was in the living room this past weekend staring out the window while I was supposed to be dusting.  I was watching a little boy playing basketball alone in his driveway and it hit me: I will never get to watch Olivia play...because I will never watch her grow.  I began to cry silently as I dusted.  Here is what else I knew but never truly thought about:

I will never see her smile but I'm sure she will from above
I will never see her crawl or move but she is free in heaven
I will never feed her, she will not need food
I will never have to buy her diapers or clothes, God has provided what she needs
I will never have to discipline her, she will never misbehave
I will never be frustrated by her, I will only miss her
I will never enroll her in preschool, or any school for that matter
I will never teach her to tie her shoes as I have taught her sisters, she will never need to wear them
I will never teach her to read
I will never hear her voice, she will never say Mommy or Daddy but she reminds me of her presence in other ways
I will never throw her a birthday party, but will gather with family in remembrance of her.
I will never know what could have been had she lived.

I do know that eventually I will meet Olivia in heaven, I will hear her voice, see her smile, and be able to embrace her.