Contemplating...........another baby

So, for some reason, now that my sister-in-law is pregnant, three of my friends are pregnant (one of which is blogger of Glitter, Glue, Glam!), and my cousins by marriage have just given birth, I am contemplating pregnancy again.  I am considering the pros, cons and have discussed with Scotland.  I need to consider timing, age gaps, starting all over again, COST, daycare, adn all that stuff that goes with baby.  When I get mad at the girls, I think to myself, that another one may not be such a good idea.  Then again, when I see babies, I start to long for another one.  What to do, what to do. . . . . . .

I have no idea.

First Day of School

Today is the first day of school for the girls.  Every year, it makes me sad, only because I am so amazed at how fast they grow.  This year, I was sad but didn't cry, and had an additional thought in my head: I won't get to share milestones like the first day of school with Olivia.  Of course, I already knew this, it was no surprise.  Every "first" Aubrey and Elli have has been different since last July and will forever be different for the rest of our lives. 

I think this helps me appreciate life and what we are given, and I am thankful.  My heart hurts some times more than others.  Right now, it hurts.

1 Year Anniversary

The anniversary of my induced miscarriage came and went last Thursday and though I cried a little bit that morning and just before dinner as we prayed, I was ok most of the day.  I thought of Olivia, wondered what would have been had she been on time and full-term.  What would our life be like?  It certainly would be much different than it has been, I know that much.  Instead of our infant daughter, we have a void, our hearts hurt.  But, we are ever thankful for our older girls, they were our blessings first, and still are.

Tearful

One year ago today, I had my appt. with Dr. Thomas in preparation for the induced miscarriage. (sniff, sniff tears rolling down my cheeks)  We discussed the procedures available to us, as well as the outcomes, and I had one last ultrasound to confirm the harsh reality.  He offered us the most kind and compassionate words, reassuring me that he would handle this with much care.

Thank you Dr. Thomas for being brave enough to help those of us who experience heartbreak when we lose our babies, and doing it in such a kind, caring way.  I only hope you might be able to instruct Dr. Dhami in your "gentler ways".  I assume you might have been a bit more careful than he was and that you would not have inflicted the same pain he did.

A Year Ago Yesterday

I had my ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  I entered the radiology office with my husband in anticipation.  Not only to find out the sex of our baby, but we were leaving for Disneyland right afterwards.  After getting unusual instructions that I needed to get to Dr. Griffin's office immediately, we left in complete confuion.  We left Dr. Griffin's office in anguish, engulfed in devastation.  What do we tell the girls?  Do we go to Disneyland or cancel our trip?

I cried last night.

10 Months and 12 days ago

It has been that long already.  How is it time flies so, so, so, fast?  I was actually talking to a co-worker today about our family trip to Disneyland last year and how I truly believe that helped me begin to process our loss and to cushion so to speak the initial blow.  I think that trip was good for my psyche, my family, and it enabled us to still live our lives, feel joy, have fun, despite our recent tragedy.

Say What?

My nephew turned to me in my mother-in-law's kitchen one day when we all got together and asked, "Did your baby die?" I thought I heard him wrong, so asked again and was shocked!  I thought I'd cry, but instead, I started laughing hysterically NOT because it was funny, but just so out of the blue.  My poor sister-in-law was mortified and kept apologizing to me.  I just kept laughing.  I think healing is going well.